Thursday, June 10, 2010

Time To Get Less Lazy.

Today I went to Robert Wood Johnson's hospital and I am going to do volunteer work there. I want to help people and gain experience, because I plan on becoming a nurse. My father has connections there because he works at the cancer institute across the street that works with Robert Wood Johnson. So the director of volunteering wants me to shadow nurses in the adult ICU, which should be a great hands on experience and a great opportunity. The director is letting me do more than the average volunteer because she knows and likes my father. Most volunteers just answer phones, file charts, etc- but I will be following around nurses and helping out with patients, which will be nice. I want to help in any way that I can.

 This weekend, or even starting tomorrow, I have decided to be less lazy and start on my Book Of Shadows. I have read a lot of information I deem useful and interesting, and need to give one of the books back to the library, so I am going to start to put some information together. I think I'm going to use a 3-ring binder- it will the easiest to put together and organize and will look neat. I'm excited to put it together!

Also, my siblings and I were supposed to go to the North Brunswick Youth Sports Festival on Saturday, but it is supposed to be raining. I hope it won't rain on Saturday...I was really excited and it should be fun. It's supposed to rain both weekends the festival is there... My luck.

Monday, June 7, 2010

What I've Been Up To,

I really haven't had anything to rant about recently. So perhaps I'll just tell you what I've been doing...

This past weekend, I hung out with a friend I haven't hung out with in over a year.  I slept over her house Saturday. We made pizza, then we went to the A&P to get junk food and soda and then watched The Lovely Bones which was an AMAZING movie, by the way! Then we played HOURS of COD: World Of War. We were killing the Nazi zombies! Then we used the Ouija board a bit, watched some funny stuff on YouTube, and went to bed. The next morning she made me breakfast, killed more Nazi zombies,  we went bowling and played 7 games and went to Rita's afterward. It was very nice. I enjoyed it a lot.

Next Tuesday I'm hanging out with another friend (he's an ex and my girlfriend isn't too happy we're hanging out). I haven't hung out with him in almost a year as well. We're just going to hang out at my house and I'm going to make him dinner. He really likes my cooking, god knows why. Not quite sure what we'll do- perhaps we'll play with the Wii and watch movies.

Tomorrow I have 2 doctor's appointments- one at 8:30am and one at 10:30am. May I just let you all know, my doctors are over an hour away. I have to get up at 6:45am. I haven't waken up that early in a very long time. It's going to be pure hell to get up tomorrow morning. First I have to see my endocrinologist and then I have to get a Tuberculosis skin test with my primary doctor's replacement (she's on vacation). Gr.

My girlfriend and I have been fighting a lot lately.  I know she doesn't mean to, but she tries to control me constantly. I mean I know she isn't happy my ex (he still has a crush on me) and I are hanging out, but I am a lesbian and he is a guy. I wouldn't cheat on her, ever. I wouldn't cheat on anybody. In the past, she's tried to control what I watch, what music I listen to, who I hang out with, and I got sick of it. She claimed to be trying to protect me. She does so much damage, and she says it's because she cares. I'm getting fed up. I really am. When something isn't about her or if I'm not paying attention to her (even in my own home with my family) she let's EVERYBODY know it by pouting or just looking like death warmed over. If it doesn't change, and soon, I'm not putting up with it anymore. I want to rid my life of immaturity and drama- I'm out of high school for god sakes!

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Wicca Feels Right.

I was brought up Catholic. It never clicked with me. It was being forced down my throat. I never enjoyed reading about it or going to church. I was always just so disgusted with the cruelty and discrimination that the priests, preachers and bible taught. It always made me angry and uncomfortable. I was for a lot of things they were against. It never fit. When I talked to my parents about not going to CCD anymore, my parents said no I had to go. Even when I told them I didn't believe in the stuff they were teaching and how I thought it was wrong, they said they were my parents and got to choose my religion. So I had to sit and listen to the bullshit. As soon as I made my confirmation, I never once set my foot in that church again.

The past few days I've been doing tons of research on the internet and reading books about Wicca. I really think it's the right religion for me. I started studying it my freshman year of high school, but I got sidetracked for years. I've always been into it and connected with it, but I actually have absolutely nothing going on in my life now, so I've had time to sit down and really study it thoroughly. I agree with all of it. Wicca is definitely for me. It makes me feel peaceful.

Practicing Wicca won't be hard for me. Everything I'm studying seems to be coming natural to me and just fits. It's getting the supplies that will the tough part. I don't have a job, so I don't have money. Any money. I'm as broke as they come. I know my mother will buy them for me for my birthday or Christmas or something like that. She is supportive of me, no matter what, but I feel bad asking her for money, every time I do. She's knows I'd be thankful though. Down side, is my birthday isn't until October and I feel really bad asking her for them out of the blue. I mean I have lots of incense & a burner for it, some rose oil, and some herbs. I mean, that's fine, but I still need the basic altar tools- an athame, a cauldron, candles, a pentagram tile, a chalice, a boline, a wand, and a table I can use as an altar!

So perhaps, I'll just really study and get to know the Craft really well until I can get the tools. People have studied this for years before they started practicing. I read a bunch on it about 4 years ago. Yes, that information has stuck, but I've learned lots more these past few days. I would know to make my own spells and everything with reference guidance, which I would put in my Book of Shadows. The learning never stops with Wicca.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Nothing Is Wrong. REALLY.

So, what really gets to me and pisses me off is when people ask "Are you okay?" or "What's wrong?" CONSTANTLY. And when I do answer "Nothing," or "I'm okay," they don't believe me, and that brings me to my boiling point and I explode with anger (at least inside my head). If I said nothing was wrong, nothing really IS wrong or I don't want to talk about it right now. I always talk about it eventually, but when I'm angry, I can't talk calmly about it at that time.

My girlfriend does that to me ALL THE TIME and I really cannot stand it. That's probably the one thing she does that really pisses me off. She ALWAYS thinks something is wrong or that I'm hiding something. She is paranoid a lot of the time. I love her to death, don't get me wrong, but when I'm upset or angry or something, I can't talk about things right then and there. I need to cool off first and chill out and then I can calmly talk about what was bothering me. My girlfriend is the type of person that gets right in your face and won't leave you alone until you explode with anger from being so annoyed by it or unless you just tell her what's wrong. If I tell her what's bothering me in an angry tone or something, she'll wonder why I'm so angry and being able to tell her isn't good enough. It's like, people tell you to count to 10 and walk away to go cool off when you're angry, but she NEVER gives me that chance. She won't let me cool off. She automatically gets right in my face.

That's really the only reason we fight nowadays. We don't fight often, but when we fight,  it's very intense and angry- at least on my part. I am not really an angry person and I really don't become this angry with anyone else, besides maybe my brother and my father, because they both don't listen well, which is actually the main cause of my girlfriend and I fighting. It's like she HEARS me but she isn't LISTENING to what I'm saying when I tell her "I need to go cool off," or "I really can't talk about this right now."

All in all, I'm writing this because my girlfriend and I just got done fighting, and I was very very blunt to her about what I just wrote about. So hopefully this won't  happen again. HOPEFULLY.

Photobucket WTF

Saturday, May 29, 2010

A Two Year Old That Smokes?!

This poor two year old's name is Ardi Rizal, who is from Indonesia. He is like any normal two year old....except for the fact that he smokes TWO packs of premium brand cigarettes A DAY. His father, Mohammad Rizal, gave him his first cigarette when he was 18 MONTHS old! Mohammad Rizal said “He looks pretty healthy to me. I don’t see the problem,” when he was asked about his son's smoking habits.
The government has even offered to give the family a CAR if they can get Ardi to stop smoking, but his parents are not concerned with Ardi's smoking habits. (Source)

This is so unacceptable to me, and I'm sure to any DECENT parent! A poor two year old smoking, not just one cigarette, and not even just one pack, but TWO packs a day! The kid is going to die from smoking complications by the time he is 30 years old at this rate! How could a parent not step in and tell their two year old to not smoke? How could a parent even OFFER their TWO year old son a cigarette?!

Most two year old's who got a hold of cigarettes wouldn't even know what to do with them. In the video, Ardi is just smoking away, not choking on the smoke or even struggling, trying to figure out the correct way to hold the cigarette. I've smoked as much as this kid does in a day, my whole lifetime and that's pretty sad!

The kid can't even say 'No daddy, I don't want to smoke anymore. It's not good for me,' because he's TWO YEARS OLD!! He doesn't know any better! How the hell could a parent put their child in this kind of danger?! This is where social services should come grab the kid, at least here in the United States (I'm not sure how social services works in Indonesia, or even if there IS a social services in Indonesia for that matter), because this kind of a slap in the face to everyone, by indirectly saying 'Hey look, I don't care about my kid or his health, because I am intentionally giving him cigarettes which will cause him to have cancer and maybe other complications later on during his life!'

Parents like Ardi's just disgust me.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Overweight Does NOT Always = Lazy & Ugly.

"Oh my god, look at her; she is so ugly!"
"Why do you think that? She's got beautiful blue eyes and long, soft blonde hair. What's so ugly about that?"
"Look at how big she is!"
"Um, so she's a little overweight? She isn't UGLY."

Sure, some people may not consider overweight beautiful, but I'm talking hair, facial features, nails, skin, and teeth. They may not have a nice body, but they have very pretty faces and take good care of themselves. I mean, how many of you have seen an ugly skinny person? I know I have. They may have society's definition of a good body, but maybe they have greasy hair and acne all over their face.

How about people that think all overweight people are just lazy? Yes, some of them really are lazy and don't care about themselves and I know that. But how about those overweight people that are overweight because of a medical issue or just have those overweight genes running through their bodies? No matter how hard they exercise or no matter what they eat, they either stay the same or keep gaining weight. Not all overweight people are fat because they just sit on their ass all day and eat everything in sight.

For example, I'm overweight- but I take good care of myself (besides my bad habit of biting my nails). I don't consider myself "ugly" but I know that I'm not the prettiest girl around. I also have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) which has caused me to gain over 100 pounds in the past. On top of that, many people in my family are overweight. They always were. People in my family have never been "skinny." My highest weight was 251.8 lbs and I am currently 228.2 lbs. I eat very healthy, no more than 1500 calories a day, and I exercise most days of the week. Yet, I seem to be stuck at my current weight. I cannot tell you how many times people have taken one look at me and have assumed I'm just some overweight girl who has one day decided to not take care of myself and eat whatever is in sight. I hate being stereotyped like that, just because I am overweight.

Again, I am not saying all overweight people did not put themselves there, because a lot of them have by not exercising and eating right. But what I AM saying, is that the next time you look at someone who is overweight, don't jump to conclusions. Maybe they DO have a medical condition or just have overweight genes. Not every overweight person eats McDonald's every day and sits in front of the TV constantly.

beauty comes in all shapes and sizes beauty

Thursday, May 27, 2010

New To Blogging.

I'm new to blogging, but I thought it may be a good idea for me. You know, to be completely honest, at least somewhere, to complete strangers. I've had journals before, but I was always too lazy to actually WRITE in them. I am always on the computer, so I thought maybe I'd use an online-type journal more religiously.

Basically, what I will be writing about in my blogs is just ranting about things, maybe telling you how great of a day I had and what I've done, getting things off my chest, maybe even writing about my past just to let it out, so I don't keep it all locked up inside of myself. I have a very dark past. Things have gotten much better for me for the most part, yes, but sometimes the things I have gone through still come up and bother me, and when that happens, I usually feel trapped. I don't want to feel trapped anymore.

You don't have to read me. I'm not here to please others with stories and all that, though I don't mind feedback on this, or my future posts. I don't want to be judged on the past mistakes I've made and what has happened to me. But then again, this is an ONLINE blog, so it is very likely I will be judged. I realize that. But I am making this blog for ME and no one else. This is my life, don't you forget :)

not too late I let you I am what I am